Friday, 25 November 2011

Chapter 32: The Glass Pit.

Kipwil found a decree while out cycling on Randy to the shops one day....a new challenge.

"Complete 3 time trials in one week"
"Distance = 15 Km"

" Look Randy!  Another challenge, just PERFECT for us! Want to give it a go?"  Kipwil said cheerily.

Randy spun his wheels faster and whirred loudly.

" I'll take that as a YES!" Kipwil laughed, " Let's go get ready."

Kipwil and Randy mapped out a course along her favourite place, the river.  Kipwil had to complete 3 laps of her course to make it up to the 15 Km.  She cycled slowly to the starting point, and took a deep breath.

" Are you ready? YES?!  LET'S DO THIS!" She yelled and off they went.  

They tore down the path and up a small hill.  They chased birds and dragonflies along the path and Kipwil smiled gleefully as she felt the breeze rush past her, her legs pumping harder and harder and Randy's wheels whirring louder and louder.  It wasn't until the second lap, about halfway through, Kipwil's legs began to complain and she felt her face and skin start to get hotter and hotter.  Sweat was trickling down her back.  
Just keep pedalling  she chanted on her head and finally both her and Randy crossed the finish line.

"48 mins 10 seconds.!!!!!' Pretty good Random!!" Kipwil said puffing and cycling slowly home.  Randy whirred along comfortably.

' We'll go again tomorrow, same course." Kipwil decided.

Tomorrow dawned soon enough.  Kipwil and Randy found themsleves tearing around the course, Kipwil's legs screaming from the first lap and having to fight thousands of tiny insects hovering over the track in clouds.  Thankfully she was wearing glasses or her eyes would have been irritated and stinging from the countless bugs pelting against her face and helmet.  When they crossed the finish line, panting, Kipwil was dismayed to see her time.

"51mins 51 seconds....3 mins 41 secs slower. Oh Randy, we failed." She said in a small voice.

The beautiful free light feeling Kipwil had been feeling over the past 10 weeks slowly left her as she struggled home.  She didn't notice a small eruption in the soil in her back garden, or the dark shadow within it when she put Randy away. She went and logged her time, sighed and went about her day.

The next day dawned, as days are in the habit of doing, and Kipwil and Randy found themselves at the start line once again.

" Come on Randy, Let's give it another go." Kipwil said trying to muster enthusiasm in her voice but failing.

They raced around the track again, but this time Kipwil didn't feel the freedom or the breeze.  In her head all she heard was " You won't do it, you'll fail. You're useless.  Just finish it at least but you're going to fail" Kipwil's legs screamed at her and she had tears running down her face, from the soreness in her legs and the hatred in her head.  They crossed the finish line but Kipwil already knew the news was bad.

'55 mins 01 secs. Fail." 

Kipwil put Randy away with tears streaming down her face.  She was so disappointed in herself, so down,  So....beaten.  The voice in her head continued with its horrible disgusting thoughts, all things she had heard before when she was at primary school, when she was in high school, when she was married to the scum before Hubba Hubba rescued her.......the things she had heard and had scarred her heart all came bursting out again, overwhelming her with it's bitterness and hatred.  She didn't watch where she was walking and she found herself sliding swiftly into a vast black pit in her back garden. 

She sat in the bottom of the pit for a few minutes, disorientated.  It was dark in here, and she was a long long way down. The sides were smooth and cold and hard, like smooth sheets of glass.  She stood up carefully as it was slippery underfoot and tried to find a way to climb out.

There was no escape, the walls too steep, too slick and there was nothing to use as a hand or toe hold. She sat and cried and cried, feeling desolate and alone.

Some time passed, and Kipwil calmed. She sat staring at the walls.  A whisper of blue light floated down to her, circled her head and hovered in front of Kipwil's swollen red eyes.

Kipwil. This pit is of your own making.  You can make the way out of it also. What is as hard and black as glass? It is Hate.  So you must find your love to open the way out.

The wisp of light hovered for a moment and then floated up slowly.  Kipwil had the thought it was trying to watch her but the light was soon out of sight.

Find the love.  There IS nothing to love. It's not just the time trial I failed, look at me. I don't deserve to get out anyway, who would give a crap if I disappeared off the face of the earth? Kipwil thought hopelessly.

But Kipwil, fortunately for her had much more sensible and smarter Second thoughts.  Don't be so dramatic! the thoughts scolded her, let's have a think about this.  Hubba Hubba loves you...DON'T INTERRUPT! You know he does. and so what, you failed the time trial?  YOU STILL DID IT!  Did you think you'd be cycling 45 km a few weeks ago? Let's just focus on that little success, shall we?

Kipwil sighed and thought about it...well, yes she DID cycle 45 km all up and that's something to be proud of.  She didn't give up even when she knew she wouldn't beat her time...the old Kipwil wouldn't have even tried again!  What did she expect? That she'd lose weight and all of a sudden like herself? No no no....but it does remove one problem so another can be dealt with.  Kipwil began to think of a plan of action.

For every revolting thought Kipwil had screaming in her head, she tried to counter it with a positive one....just like slaying her Other Self all those weeks ago.  It was hard, so much harder than she wanted it to be.  It was exhausting, this mental battle, and it took all her energy.  But what she didn't notice is that as she countered each thought with a positive one, whether she believed it or not, the walls of the pit seemed to be retracting on itself, much like a telesope closing up.  After some time, Kipwil noticed the sheer smudge of light hovering in front of her again, burning brightly.  She looked around.

The pit had shrunk to the size of a fishpond, Kipwil could easily climb out. As she did, the light breathed words again.

This pit will remain Kipwil, it is your despair, your sorrow, your problems.  If you are not aware, and not ready to fight, it will swallow you again, no matter where you are or what you are doing.  Be disciplined in your thoughts, catch the poison before it spreads. Maybe one day, you will discover the antidote and be free of it forever. But until then, you must be on guard.

The light dissolved in front of Kipwil's eyes.  Her heart was still heavy and she just wanted to lay down and sleep.  But she had one thing to do first.  She went and wrote down what happened and how she felt in the hope it reminds her of how to beat that weakness when she needed to stay case the pit ever swallows her wholly and completely.


1 comment:

Vikki @ She Has Cute Shoes! said...

Love the way you write.

And the mental battle is harder than any physical battle, isn't it?