Sunday, 2 October 2011

Chapter 22: Pain of Change

Kipwil was not having a great week.  So many little frustrations built into big frustrations.  Big frustrations grew into a slow cold anger inside, simmering away for the next little piece of fuel to make her explode.  Disappointments were popping up all around her, disagreements between Hubba Hubba and herself were growing. Her only escape was working out but it wasn't enough to burn away that cold stone in the pit of her stomach.  She checked her Heart Rate monitor to find that even working as hard as she could in her classes at the Workshop, she was still not meeting her target burn range without needing extra time to do make up the deficit.  She was fed up with things at home, fed up with things at work and truth be told,  fed up with things in her own head mostly.

Kipwil was throwing stones into the river. Mermaid Mel had gone on a little holiday to visit her mer-kin at the beach and Kipwil felt a little lonely....but didn't really want company either.  She just felt wrong wrong wrong.

What IS wrong with me? Kipwil thought to her reflection rippling in the water. What am I doing wrong?  Why can't I stop being angry? Why do I feel like I'm failing in everything?

The ripples were disturbed by a cool breeze, whispering and caressing the top of the water and Kipwil's arms.  Kipwil's reflection shimmered and changed into the face of Queen Mish.

" Kipwil, what is going on in your head?  You are so positive and upbeat, you give things your 100% best shot, but look at you now.  Talk to me." Queen Mish said gently.

Kipwil started crying " I don't know.  It's all wrong. Everything is wrong.  I'm just so over everything.  I know it will pass because it always does but right now, it's just hard.  I moved here to change but it feels like just as I did in Nothing Ever Changes."

Queen Mish was silent for a little while. She let Kipwil finish crying and then spoke gently.
" Kipwil, you are changing.  You have been staying the course and learning so much.  Physically you are better than ever, your body is clean and strong, your mind is becoming stronger and stronger with every time you exercise that willpower muscle.  You know this.  I think your problem has more to do with things you cannot change, like the decisions others make around you.  You cannot take ownership for their decisions and if something bothers you so much about what they are doing or saying then STAND UP!  You are just as smart, just as caring, just as strong as anyone else.  If something needs doing and noone else will take the responsibility for it, YOU have the power to decide to take on the responsibility or not....WITHOUT GUILT. You hear me?"

Kipwil nodded silently.  She knew what she was being told was true. It was up to her, and she was taking on other people's problems and failings as her own.

" You can do this Kipwil, it's called growing up.  Not everyone does it successfully, and it's not easy.  You will say things that other people may not want to hear but need to.  You may hear things you don't want to hear but need to.  You can't hide away want life?  THIS IS LIFE!  The good AND the bad, the light and the shade, the celebration and frustration.  Talk to other 12WBTers, listen to what you know you should do and take the time to remember who you are.  You are KIPWIL, not just a wife, not just a mother, not just any other person.  You are YOU and there's noone else quite like it."

Kipwil sniffed.  " Thanks,"  she said quietly. 

" Anytime Kipwil," Queen Mish said, " I mean it, anytime. We all need reminding that we are not alone and that we are special.  Even me."

With that, the reflection shimmered again, and Kipwil was staring at her own face in the water. She had a lot to think about and some hard decisions to make. It was time to toughen up.

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